42 in less than 6 days

     I'm going to be 42 in 6 days. 

I don't own a home, a car, I'm disabled and mentally falling apart. Heh, I was mentally falling apart for years but recently shit has completely pushed me over the end. My mother is a super controlling narcissist who has tried to control my ENTIRE life using religion, mental/emotional abuse, physical abuse and so many other horrible things and she refuses to accept that her inability to parent me and treat me like a decent human being is why I'm as fucked up as I am.  I was fucked up long before the years of alcohol abuse, abusive husbands, boyfriends and all of the empty years of no love in my life. 

    I was born August 5, 1979 at the University Hospital (now known as OHSU) in Portland, Oregon at 8:59 am. My parents were only 23 and 22 at the time and been married for less than a year. Both of my parents came from a home with two parents but they weren't really happy homes especially because they were black, poor, with lots of kids and it was during segregation. Both of my parents are boomers, born in the decade after WW2. They both watched Martin Luther King Jr Malcom X and President John Kennedy assassinated.

My father had it really bad growing up because his mom was white and his father was black growing up in racist America during the 60's and 70's. My mom is mixed too. Her father the son of a former slave who was born of a slave woman and a white master, and a Choctaw woman who escaped from a residential school but was born on the trail of tears. Her mother a creole woman who escaped sexual abuse from her father who was also a former slave. 

My parents were pretty much happy until my dad got addicted to cocaine and alcohol. After my dad got addicted, he started beating my mother. The first time I saw my dad hit my mom, my brother (who's only two years younger than me) wasn't even born yet and the gates to hell just opened after that. My parents got divorced when I was 7, my mom finally got away from my dad the year before because he had pulled her own gun on her that she had bought for protection and said he was going to kill her, us and himself. 

After my parents went their separate ways my mom hooked up with this asshole that I will refer to as Dirty John from here out. My mom apparently fell in love with him and when he went to prison the summer before I turned 8, she moved us to Salem, Oregon where the prison was. At some point during his prison stay, my mom married him and while she was in wedded bliss to that prick, me and my brothers suffered horrible bullying and abuse by the white kids we went to school with. 

I really suffered horrible at the hands of these little monsters. I was spit on every day, called a nigger, tarbaby, porch monkey. that I was dirty. i was hit, kicked and nobody cared not even my teachers because they would join in on the abuse. i was gaslighted every day by being told it's not that bad .... by my own mom. So, I suffered in silence for years until I met Nathan. 

to be continued ...